i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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