She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
