shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
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