Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
