Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
