just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
