I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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