Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
