walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
