She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
