This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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