someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
