Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
it was like eating out sand paper
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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