i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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