Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
