you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
