Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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