someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
