you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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