also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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