but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Sorry about my life...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
