be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
