Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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