Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
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