I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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