my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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