Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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