Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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