just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
