I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
