she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
