i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
