alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My penis needs a shock collar
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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