I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
