I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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