he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
