I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Randomize
