As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
