you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
