If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
