Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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