I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize
