I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
