Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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