i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
