Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
