so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
