If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
