There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
