I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
