I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
