the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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