He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
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You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
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I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
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